A quote often attributed to Albert Einstein is that “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but, expecting different results.” Yet, here we all are again: Another Rosh Hashanah, using the same book, praying the same prayers, maybe even sitting in the same seat. Well, I guess one thing is different; me being here. Still, we’re all here to do the same thing: each year at this time we attempt to acknowledge our faults, repair relationships and return, once again, to God. Teshuvah would be easy if it weren’t for the fact that it requires us to change and most of us, just don’t like change.
We like our routines. Every morning I drive to Temple the exact same way. When I get here, I park in the same spot every day. The parking lot could be totally empty, yet, I park in the exact same spot.
Change is hard enough when it only involves ourselves, but changing how we treat others is even more difficult. We’re set in our ways and the difficult people in our lives know exactly which buttons to push to set us off, and we react just as we have in the past.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Change is possible, especially if we think of it as small steps, rather than as one huge leap. If we think of our Teshuvah as taking a small step in the direction of being the person we know God wants us to be, we’ll get there. Each year we’ll be a little bit closer. That’s all that God asks. That we keep trying.
The poet Portia Nelson, writes about changing our behavior in a piece titled There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
It feels good when a story has a happy ending. This particular story is about someone who is able to choose another path. Someone who, over time, becomes more aware; aware of the world around them, and more self-aware. Both are necessary for teshuvah. Whether its repairing a relationship with a friend or loved one, or returning to our relationship with God, teshuvah is about not making the same mistakes, not falling into the same hole over and over again. Easy? No. Doable? Yes.
In Chapter One the poet is walking along, going through life oblivious to her surroundings. It’s the spiritual equivalent of going through life always listening to an iPod. She is so absorbed in whatever she’s thinking about, she doesn’t know the hole exists, doesn’t even see the hole before she falls in. Unable to recognize the hole for what it is, she can’t even begin to negotiate the process of extracting herself from it. In addition, there is no acknowledgement that she has any responsibility for getting herself into the hole in the first place.
We all know people that go through life this way. The alcoholic or drug abuser who never admits to having a problem, so he’s never able to seek help or right the wrongs he’s inflicted on loved ones. We all know people who live their life constantly in the center of turmoil. Yet, as far as they’re concerned, their problems are always the result of someone else’s misdeed. Someone that can’t hold down a job, because the boss is always ‘out to get them.’ Or someone who’s totally ineffective on committees because no one else’s ideas are ever worth listening to. In a family setting it’s the person who only sees their own needs, without even a clue that others might have needs as well.
In Chapter Two our poet makes very little progress, but she does sharpen the skill of denial. She sees the hole, but pretends it’s not there. She could be someone who always spends beyond her means, yet doesn’t understand why in the middle of each month she no longer has money for food and goes further and further into debt to feed her family. The perpetrator of domestic violence recognizes the physical battering he inflicts, but justifies his actions. He convinces himself his victim brought it upon herself. In his mind, he isn’t the one with the problem.
Chapter Three represents one of life’s true turning points, because the poet acknowledges her shortcomings, and accepts responsibility for her actions. She finally sees the hole, she acknowledges her problem, but she still falls in. The real difference in chapter three is that now she gets out of the hole immediately. It’s a major change. She recognizes that she’s been living her life a certain way for a long time and acknowledges that she has a problem. Her actions have become habit, but now she has a different perspective, so she is able to quickly find a way out. The alcoholic goes to AA. The drug abuser enters rehab. The couple who has been constantly fighting recognizes that true communication is about honestly expressing desires and disappointments.
I’m using some very dramatic examples to illustrate the point, but maybe our sins this year are about being too judgmental, or always blaming others when things go wrong. Maybe we haven’t been present enough for loved ones and friends. For these sins Teshuvah is still a process, and in that process is a turning point when we know we have to do things differently.
One of my turning points came when I started learning about Jewish ethics and values. I had come home from a shopping and saw on a receipt that instead of being charged $42.00 for a necklace I bought, the sales clerk had only charged $4.20 on my credit card. My first reaction was (smile!!) “Oh. Look at that.” And then I realized that the right thing to do was go back to the store the next day, and correct the mistake. So I did. It was my turning point. We can’t just talk about our Jewish values. We have to live them.
Chapter Four in the poem presents real progress. It is straightforward, but there’s more than one interpretation:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
We have to applaud a very positive step in the process of teshuvah. The poet recognizes behavior that leads to negative consequences. For the alcoholic it could be walking into a bar, or for the addict, going to a party where drug use is likely. It is about avoiding situations that will get likely cause us to revert to the same poor choices we’ve made in the past.
A husband and wife who are always arguing about money, perhaps their turning point is the recognition that when they talk about money after a long and stressed-filled day at work the discussion always deteriorates into an argument. Walking around the hole might mean waiting until the weekend to have that same discussion.
Another example is someone who’s taking care of an elderly parent and is constantly short-tempered or gets angry and verbally abusive on a regular basis. Their turning point might mean recognizing the need to hire an outside caregiver. In this case ‘walking around the hole’ means recognizing it is better to improve the quality of time together, even if it means shortening the amount of time spent together.
At this point in our teshuvah, we recognize the hole for what it is: the trap that gets us to repeat destructive patterns of behavior. If we can see the hole before we fall in, then we might be able to find a way around it. This is a major step in the process of repentance.
Now, a second interpretation of chapter four is that it is a metaphor for dealing with a difficult relationship in our life. Walking around the hole is a means of avoidance.
We might say to ourselves, ‘I can’t get along with him, so I just won’t talk to him. He upsets me. She gets me angry. I don’t care if they happen to be my father or my sister or my cousin; I just won’t deal with them.’ When avoidance becomes estrangement, it is a step back, not a step forward. Sometimes that step back is necessary. We might need some time to process and come to terms with the inherent limitations of a relationship. We might need time to let painful wounds heal. But avoidance, even when necessary, is only a temporary measure. The problem still requires a solution. Which brings us to chapter five.
A one-line stanza. The poet writes “I walk down another street.” She’s learned to take a different path. No longer a creature of habit, no longer fighting against past behaviors, she’s able to make different choices. Although not detailed in the poem, at this point, true teshuvah requires apologies and the righting of wrongs committed. Two life-long friends no longer speak to each other because when their business partnership dissolved they argued over the final disposition of assets. An apology which includes a financial settlement would be a huge step in repairing the relationship.
It would be great if we were able to live our lives in an ever increasing pattern of self-awareness and growth. The reality is that we grow in ways that more likely resemble two steps forward and one step back. We know that when our partner or parent greets us with “you’re late again.” We know the best response is probably “I’m sorry.” Yet, sometimes, that’s just not what comes out. We’re not perfect. We can’t always do and say the right thing at the right time. But if we try, we might succeed more often than not. Believing in ourselves, believing we can change is at the heart of teshuvah.
Whether it’s righting a wrong committed against another person or repenting over a sin against God, teshuvah is a process. Prof. Louis Newman, an expert on Jewish ethics writes that teshuvah is “a return to the person we most deeply, truly are and were created to be. It is a turning away from transgression and brokenness and toward the ones we have harmed. At the same time it is turning inward in self-examination and turning toward God, who loves us even in our waywardness and calls us to truthfulness and wholeness.”#
Teshuvah is a process in which we recognize our shortcomings and then feel remorse. Only by first seeing where we missed the mark, can we address the damage which results, and only then can we resolve not to commit the offense again.
Rabbi Bunam of Pzsyha once asked his disciples “How can you tell when a sin you have committed has been pardoned?” His disciples gave various answers but none of them pleased the rabbi. “We can tell,” he said to them, “by the fact that we no longer commit that same sin [when presented with the same circumstances.]
We never know what life will bring. We often find ourselves on streets which are not of our own choosing. Maybe we don’t have control over how we get there, but we can control what we do once in the situation.
If it were up to me, our poem would have an additional chapter.
Chapter Six
I walk down another street.
I see a hole.
Different from any hole that’s come before.
I ask for God’s help.
I see a plank of wood.
I lay it across the hole, and make my way across.
What a beautiful d’var, thank you for sharing it with us!